Cassie is pretty much livid at Missy for getting married. This isn't a new feeling for her; she's ranted over every event that moved the spotlight one iota off of her since she was old enough to comprehend emotion. It typically, but not exclusively, involves Missy. When she was very small, we had to wrap up one of her toys to give her on the other kids' birthdays. We have video of Cassie at Missy's 12th birthday party, red-faced and teary one minute, and charging through (and breaking) the limbo set the next. At Missy's 16th birthday party, Cassie, who had been sent to bed, opened the bathroom window which overlooks the backyard pool deck, and spit on the head of one of the guests. She SPIT on him...I am not kidding.
If it were just jealous fits we had to deal with, it might not have been so difficult. Any simple request from us or a denial of her demands would result in an explosive reaction. The threat of these emotional explosions loomed large over every interaction with her. I imagine about now you're thinking, "the only challenge this kid faces is irrevocable spoiling!" I know you think that, because I struggled a LOT with this thought myself. How could this tiny tyrant so control our home, our lives? I blamed myself and, it seemed that my family blamed me, too. I felt alone in my conviction that something was amiss, that this wasn't ordinary behavior, but I didn't know how to alleviate the situation, so I quelled it the best I could. Gary and Missy felt overlooked, underappreciated. My husband was certain a good whack on the butt would cure her of her misdeeds. It affected all of us in different ways.
Right before the 6th grade meltdown, I'd gotten ahold of a book called The Explosive Child by Ross W. Greene. After reading this book, I FINALLY allowed myself to let go of HER emotions. I read about other inflexible, explosive kids and realized we were not alone. The book taught me to prioritize and limit my expectations and rules for her according to what was really necessary for her well being and that of the family. This new level of understanding helped Gary and I tremendously and put us in a proper frame of mind for what was to come. If we had held on to our preconceptions of how children 'should' act and hadn't learned to let the little things go, I firmly believe we would not be where we are today. You can't imagine how liberating it is to discover you aren't the bad parent of a bad child.
Back to the wedding issue. Cassie got herself a wedding ring set at Claire's with her allowance. That cured ring jealousy. She wanted a beautiful white wedding dress to wear to her sister's wedding, but that was non-negotiable. So she's settled for a tea-length tulle and pink satin 'bridesmaid' dress, although all the other bridesmaids will be wearing a different dress. She actually spoke to Missy on the phone for 5 minutes the other day, which was the first time since she got engaged. I realize the concessions we make go beyond what most parents would deem reasonable or even acceptable. Having a kid like Cassie teaches me to look beyond 'normal', 'reasonable' and 'acceptable' because those are standards set by people who aren't Cassie's parents. At the end of the day, it's about our accountability to ourselves and God, and other opinions just don't count. We can't predict exactly how she'll handle all the upcoming festivities that revolve around Missy, but I expect to have some blog fodder before it's all finished.
No comments:
Post a Comment