Cold weather, short, gray days. People with mood disorders don't fare well in these circumstances, and Cassie is no exception. We're battling about school again. She's scared, having problems with friends, eating nonstop, just wanting to curl up and block the world out. I can see it in her demeanor, her hygiene, her eyes. It's not very bad yet, but getting there. She's angry, cussing, focused on 'getting stuff', and never satisfied. The swimming she was so excited about (and I paid $200 for her to participate in) has lost its luster. She's still going, but I can see it getting harder every day. The change in trimesters freaked her out, even though she only changed one class.
I know it's the voices, but she's been so urged to articulate voices in other ways (I'm stressed, I feel bad), that she doesn't talk about them constantly like she used to. I have mixed feelings about that. There's a part of me that feels it's unhealthy to suppress and realign your reality to conform to what you're told. Yet, I understand that she needs to realize that 'voices' are not separate entities, but her brain reacting to stress. Because of her cognitive impairment, most of the professionals who have seen her have questioned whether it was truly psychosis at all. All I know is that it is real to her and she is terrified when they are screaming at her. Make of that what you will. I personally can't imagine my own mind being at war against me.
The difference this winter is that we have adjusted our lives to coexist with this illness. We don't accept all bad behavior just because she's sick, and have learned to set boundaries. I feel so much compassion toward her, but am wary of coddling, as this really only exacerbates the problem. We try to keep busy because downtime is time to ruminate and that's bad. Flexibility is essential in most cases. Yet, we have to be firm and consistent when it comes to situations like school and church. Last year she wasn't able to regularly attend either, so we have come a long way.
I try not to muse too much about her future. Because like the girl with the curl in the nursery rhyme, when she is good, she is very, very good. But when she is bad she is horrid. Her goals include job and marriage and family. If she realizes these goals, what would she do when she got like this and had to deal with it herself? I know I'll always be a part of her life, but there will come a point where my control will have to loosen and what then? Like I said, it's not good to dwell on these 'what ifs'. However, I know I need to be prepared in some sense...how does one do that, exactly?
