For me, heaven is a hammock and a book by the lake. In so many ways, this has been the best summer I remember since I was a kid. Waking up almost every day to sunshine, water, and the prospect of a gloriously unmapped day is my idea of SUMMER! We've swam, boated, antiqued, enjoyed campfires, shared many days with friends and family, almost to our content. It's just downright depressing to think of going back to real life.
Cassie, on the other hand, has not fared so well this summer. Her depression rarely lifts and her mind terrifies her often, sometimes constantly. She spends most of her time playing a handheld video game or watching movies. Even on the boat, the game comes along. We carry on despite her constant naysaying and sour demeanor and it saddens me that she cannot find joy in this idyllic life we try to give her.
The thing she craves most, friends, I can't give her. The boy I was so excited about lasted all of, maybe, 2 or 3 weeks. Cassie was much more enamored with him that he with her and she quickly wore out her welcome. It didn't help that the boy prefers the company of video games more than people. We brought out 2 of her friends for a couple days in July to attend an anime conference and that went very well. Cassie acted so normal and had a great time with them. I think the girls had a good time, as well, it's just been hard to pin them down on when they can come back.
We just had a flurry of activity starting July 31, when the fam rented the big house on connecting Hemlock Lake. That same day, Gary, Missy, and Matt flew in from Idaho. It was a frenzied, fun time for most of us, but pretty overwhelming for Cassie. The fam stayed a week, and Missy and Matt were here an additional week. Gary stays until 9/5. The kids were/are terrific with Cassie most of the time. They took her to Cedar Point and were delighted to report how 'normal' she was. She rode all the roller coasters and RAN from ride to ride, keeping up with them all the way.
Now school is looming large in her mind and it's really freaking her out. Yesterday, she was terrified, in tears and couldn't get out of the house, so I ended up giving her geodon, xanax, and the beta blocker (name I never remember) to get her through the day.
The meds. *sigh* I really don't know how much they help, other than making her too tired to fight with us. It doesn't seem that a person on that much medication should be so symptomatic. She's on a maximum dose of geodon, plus celexa, and ativan. She's been through all the newer antipsychotics, so we're left with the typicals, which are notorious for their side effects. Her therapy seems to be circular because she goes in with her complaints, is given advice on how to deal with these things, and she routinely refuses to help herself.
Reading back, I see that she's been miserable for many months. It's agonizing to have a child so unhappy nearly all the time. In stages, I'm learning to extricate myself and lead as much of a separate existence as possible. Lately it's occurred to me (isn't that part of s song...) that I must develop more outside interests and work more often to make myself less available (less of a punching bag) to Cassie. Meanwhile, we continue to revolve around Planet Cassie and hope for any ray of sunshine to brighten her dark days.
