Some time ago I decided I was infringing on Cassie's privacy and deleted my access to this blog. Yesterday I suddenly had a yearning to write again and have gone to great lengths to restore my access (I guess in all it took about 10-15 minutes!) So much for Cassie's privacy. Maybe I'll start scribing for her so she can have her input, as well.
It's been almost 2 years and a lot has happened. Missy and Matt got divorced. We were distraught about that, since Matt had become an integral part of our family, but Missy has become the best version of herself since the divorce, so I realize the marriage was not what I hoped it was. Gary found the girl of his dreams, Rachel, and they'll be married June 15 (my birthday!) Rachel's Mom passed away a few months ago from cancer. She is a strong girl, but misses her Mom terribly and wishes she could be at her wedding. We were able to meet her once in the hospital, and she was a lovely woman. Besides Rachel, she had to leave behind a husband, a 15 year old daughter and a 7 year old son. Gary has grown up a lot through the experience.
So, Cassie. School started out gangbusters. She's in 11th grade, unbelievably. She was even arriving on time, 5 days a week. Then, the honeymoon was over, as it happens every year, but this year it was particularly bad. i.e. locking up knives, overmedicating to alleviate symptoms, general wailing and gnashing of teeth, etc. This was around the middle of October, when she started having "visions" as she calls them. It's always bloody _____ (fill in the blank). At first it was zombies, now it's clowns. She sees them eating her and herself covered in blood. I guess that would scare the crap out of anybody, right? That, coupled with the voices calling her every name in the book, laughing at her and screaming so loud she can focus on nothing else.
Her psychiatrist (or pdoc as the internet gurus have dubbed psychiatrists/psychologists) recommended she go on a homebound schooling program for a period of time. WHAT IS HOMEBOUND???? WHY HADN'T ANYONE MENTIONED THIS BEFORE??? So, he wrote a note for 4 months and here we are, 6 months later, still at home. The recent hellacious, 4 meeting long IEP is another story altogether.
Homebound seemed like the answer to all our problems. No more fighting and crying and begging and cursing over going to school. Which is good, no doubt. But the flip side of that is all 3 of us in the house together, practically 24/7, except when I guiltily slip away to gather food or attend a church function. It has been, without doubt, the most miserable, seemingly never ending winter of our lives. Gary's been so sick/depressed, he has left his chair possibly a total of 12 hours since September. I'm supposed to be the healthy one, but even I'm feeling at the end of my rope. Spring can't get here soon enough.
That said, though, Gary did achieve a big success this winter. He beat CMH at their game. Community Mental Health provides unique mental health services such as professionals coming into YOUR environment and developing a treatment plan with a team. We have tried, unsuccessfully, to procure these services for Cassie for years, only to be constantly told that if you don't qualify for Medicaid, forget it. Now, how wrong is that? I have to be poor to get the services my daughter needs?? Wow, the mental health system is so screwed up.
So, through research, Gary found out about a waiver that allows for the child to be counted as a family of "1" so the parent's income doesn't factor in. Of course, there are a million criteria, most of which Cassie meets. 99% of CMH's employees seem completely confused about it, but we've managed to get Cassie a therapist who is coming to our home on a weekly basis, a WRAP facilitator (someone who will focus on managing her environment with a team approach), a respite worker who we'll meet tomorrow, and possibly other services such as a parent mentor who can commiserate with us about things like IEPs. We have to end Cassie's relationship with her current psychologist, but are staying with her psychiatrist.
Now that we're looking at Cassie turning 18, things are about to change. I need to start a guardianship process, like, yesterday. She has already been approved for disability, but I'm sure nightmares will ensue over that. Jobs, relationships, adult choices...ugh. Somehow I think life is about to get a whole lot more difficult.
Yesterday things got pretty bad and we tried out child emergency services at CMH. Cassie really needed someone to talk to and her therapist was out with a sick baby. The problem is, nobody has a magic wand. I hope we're headed in the right direction for Cassie, but I know she will never be without major struggles.
Cassie's therapist just left and she wanted us to think of 3 things we're thankful for. It was hard, for me AND her.
Let me end on that note:
1. I'm thankful I'm not poor, even though the mental health system thinks I should be.
2. I'm thankful the sun is shining today.
3. I'm thankful things don't stay the same for long. Everything changes, it's a given.
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